Pocket Pair

The amount of pressure put on women to breastfeed these days is a little out of control. We get it. “Breast is best.” However, some things that are not “best,” are moms who find breastfeeding so miserable making, they can’t enjoy their babies.

That was me.

Before I quit breastfeeding, every time the guys needed to eat, which btw, was A LOT, I would feel an overwhelming wave of dread and panic.

I started out with the best intentions. I planned to breastfeed exclusively for six months. In the hospital, the babies had to get small amounts of formula because I was too sick, but as soon as I was able, I got them on the breastesses. And there they stayed for about 11 terrible weeks.

Newborns, for the most part, are a screaming, prune faced bunch who want to fed, and they want to be fed now. So with one baby, I can see how it might be easy and convenient to just whip out a boob and get ‘er done.

However, with twins, things get a little more tricky. One experienced mother of twins said that breastfeeding twins is a fools errand. My determination? She was right. For me, trying to latch two insistent chomping shark mouths at the same time was like some sort of human MENSA puzzle. The Breastfriend Twin Nursing Pillow didn’t help for shit. Some friend.

And then there was the burping, which was like a Chinese circus performer trick (like, you know…you’ve been to a Clippers game, right? the guys? with the dishes?) Balance one baby, who can’t support his head, in an upright position and pound on his back while you keep your other baby, who also can’t support his head, attached to your nipple. Easy! Yeah, okay.

Also, with twins, you gotta pump to make sure you get your supply up from the get go. So your days look something like this: breastfeed, pump, breastfeed, pump, breastfeed, pump. You get the picture. And somewhere in there, you need to eat and drink a shitload. PS It’s actually really hard to find time to eat 3000 calories a day (the estimated amount of calories a breastfeeding mother of twins needs) when you’re constantly hooked up to mouths or machines 24 hours a day. Literally. 24 hours a day.

Breastfeeding can start out being super painful. And you don’t know what you’re doing and neither does your kid and you’re all like in this weird awkward dance where one party things they’re gonna starve to death. But then it gets better. At least it did for me.

That’s the thing - the pain subsided. I didn’t have supply issues. I got that when my babies screamed for me, it wasn’t that they were dying, but that their crying helped my body know to make more milk. I understood that during growth spurts, they’d be more fussy and need to eat even more. 

And I still hated it. 

For me, breastfeeding was not a bonding experience. I found it stressful and anxiety inducing. It wasn’t just the logistics that were hard. I mean, I feel like I could have overcome that. It was more how every time I would have a letdown, my heart would race and I would start to sweat and feel sick to my stomach. Weird, I know. But like the title of the this post, breastfeeding really just wasn’t for me.

Once I switched to formula, my life improved tenfold. And that means life also improved for my kids. Almost instantly, I was able to relax into being the kind of mom I knew I could be.

The guys started sleeping better. I started sleeping better. No more freaking out every time they needed to eat because I didn’t know how to juggle them by myself.  No more emotionally trying let downs every time any baby, anywhere, cries.  

Best of all, freedom was achieved. We’re able to leave the house together. I’m able to leave the house alone. There’s so much more time now - time we use playing and singing songs and reading books and going for walks.

Everyone’s happier. Everyone except the peanut gallery.

They think I’m a selfish bitch.

Again, under eye concealer! I am telling you, even if you don’t have time for any other make up…even if you don’t have time to blend…just do it. Makes all the difference.

Construction workers who whistle even when you’re sporting Uggs, zits, 2nd day hair and pushing a double stroller.

Amazon Mom Subscribe and Save program. Next day diapers! Especially helpful when you come to find your young Wallace is a cool 15 pounds and should no longer be squeezed into the size ones like some sort of baby sausage.

Fall and all its accoutrements. Sweaters, boots, spiced lattes, baked goods, squash, apples, fuyu persimmons, pomegranates, braises, scarves, fog, clouds, chilly mornings.

The hummingbirds who frequent the flowers outside my office window.

Thusly, that I live in a climate that allows both for Fall amazingness AND humming birds all at once.

Did I mention Fall?

Maple Glazed Pumpkin Spice Cookies (adapted from Williams Sonoma)

• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1 Tbs. ground cinnamon
• 1 tsp. ground ginger
• 1 1/2 tsp. freshly grated nutmeg
• 1/8 tsp. ground cloves
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 3/4 cup pumpkin puree
• 1 egg
• 2 tsp. vanilla extract
• 12 Tbs. (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter
• 3/4 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2/3 cup chopped toasted walnuts
• 1 cup raisins
  
  
• For the glaze:
• Powdered sugar
• Milk (we used vanilla almond milk)
• Maple syrup
• Maple extract

Have all the ingredients at room temperature.

Preheat an oven to 350°F. Spray a cookie sheet with nonstick cooking spray. 

To make the cookies, over a sheet of waxed paper, sift together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves and salt. Set aside. 

In a small bowl, stir together the pumpkin puree, egg and vanilla. Set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the flat beater, beat the butter on medium-low speed until smooth, about 30 seconds. Add the brown and granulated sugars, increase the speed to medium and beat until slightly fluffy, about 1 minute, stopping the mixer occasionally to scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add the pumpkin mixture in two additions, beating well after each addition and stopping the mixer occasionally to scrape down the sides of the bowl. 

Reduce the speed to low, gradually add the flour mixture and beat until just combined. Using a rubber spatula, fold in the walnuts and raisins. 

Drop the dough by rounded tablespoonfuls onto the prepared pan, spacing the cookies about 2 inches apart. Bake until golden brown, 12 to 15 minutes. Transfer the pan to a wire rack and let the cookies cool on the pan, then transfer them to a wire rack. Repeat with the remaining dough. 

To make the glaze, use a whisk to combine powdered sugar, milk, maple syrup and maple extract - taste as you go to get it to your liking. Once combined, transfer to a pastry bag or ziplock bag.

Set the rack over a sheet of waxed paper or parchment paper. Using the bag of glaze (for ziploc style, snip corner of bag and squeeze), drizzle the glaze over the cookies. Let stand at room temperature for 1 hour before serving. Makes 36 cookies.

Some people might find it excessive, but I counter that daily baths are the one thing that I know makes these babies go right to sleep. Before I installed the daily bath into our lives, the evenings were wrought with witching hour craziness: red-faced wailing (babies), weary husbands (H.), fleeing friends (all), uneaten dinners (who needs food when breastfeeding twins?! pssht) and inconsolable people (me.) But now, now the evenings are pure bliss. (Also, I stopped breastfeeding, but that is for discussion another time…)

Here’s what we do. I bathe each baby in succession. This used to lead to screams of impatience while one waited for the other to be done. Then, I decided to explain to them that in our house, we have to be patient, because there is only one of me, and two of them and that I love them both very much, but since I only have two hands, we have to take turns. Honest, swear to god, this worked. They understood and now, even if one forgets and gets fussy, I just remind him and he stops.

I know, I am still shocked myself.

Anyway, each baby gets a bath and a massage then we journey to the nursery, where they are swaddled, and fed. I read Good Night Moon while I rock them in their carseats (carseats as rockers - not ideal, but again, only one of me, and two of them.) 

They pass out during the book, then I turn off the lights, and rock one in my arms, while I rock the other in the carseat with my foot. I try to turn this into an ab workout by reclining back a bit. I think it works.

Then I place the twin I was rocking in my arms in his crib, pick up the other twin, rock him in my arms, and place him in his crib.*

All this is done by 6pm, and they usually sleep until at least 1am, which means I have time to chill out, or cook dinner, or take a bath, and then hang with H. Also I’ve been going to bed early so I get some quality sleep in before that next feed.

A lot of work, but it’s worth it!

*I know some people are all anti-rocking, but have you ever rocked a baby to sleep? It’s like the best thing ever. Every night I fall hopelessly, desperately in love with these guys all over again.

Stream of consciousness style…

Good under eye concealer

They Might Be Giants Kids Pandora Radio Station

Instant coffee or automatic coffee maker

A good friend who likes to hold babies

Phone with a built in camera and or video/ camera

A decent stroller

Leggings